Chewing the Bark

The one-eyed dog barking at me wasn't my first experience of dog's abuse. I hear it regularly from the local dogs in a neighbouring estate too. Their language is often crude (it is Paisley, after all) but I don't join in because I'm a lady. 

That's not the only reason. The truth is... I still haven't learned to bark. 

At night, when I feel the urge to go, I whine, I cry and I occasionally whimper because I don't like to leak where I sleep. One of the humans (usually the woman) comes down and takes me outside so I can relieve myself in the garden. It can take a while for them to respond though. Sometimes I think they think I'm just looking for attention (secret: sometimes I am). 

I bet they wouldn't wait as long if I could bark.

Listening to the locals gave me a few tips. I tried running around excitedly to provoke my bark but that didn't work. With my big paws and bouncy gait, I looked and sounded more like a floppy-eared lamb bleating as I gamboled about.   

I tried eating the bark from under the plants in the garden. I figured there had to be something in the name. Unfortunately, it only gave me a rough throat. No ruff.   

I tried Amazon but when I looked up 'dog bark' it revealed only collars and devices designed to deter barking, the opposite of the effect I wished to achieve. I had to delete the browser history pronto in case it gave the humans ideas.   

Then it happened.

I was misbehaving in the living room, jumping up on the furniture then making for the cables under the table with the router. This was my goto place now they'd block the path behind the telly stand. The man wasn't happy with me. He leaped up and scolded me whenever I went near his beloved internet box. The woman reminded him it was better to reinforce positive behaviour but he's an idiot. He acts before he thinks. I still love him though because he's always carrying treats for me. Sometimes I misbehave just so he recalls me and gives me another edible reward. Anyway, this time he left the room and returned carrying a medium-sized box with a smile on its side. It blocked the entire gap under the table. I couldn't get to my beloved cables. This made me unhappy. More than that, I was incensed.

I didn't like the way this block of a box was grinning at me. How dare it spoil my game? I hunkered down and growled. Challenging it to a fight, my angry growl transformed into a woof.

I'd done it. 

The humans hurriedly shooed me away from the box. The man even turned it and the table around, wiping the smile from the box's face. Unfortunately, lost in that moment, I forgot exactly how I'd barked and I still can't remember.  

Still, I guess you could say Amazon delivered my bark after all.