Weighty Matters

Every week, the woman brings the bathroom scales down to the kitchen. She then stands on them twice, one time carrying me, the other on her own. This confused me at first. Surely it was cheating to include me in her weight loss. 

Then I noticed her writing my name and a number on the calendar and realised she was doing it to calculate how heavy I was (currently 5.4kg).

She needed to know this because my weight affects the amount of food I'm allowed. She's obsessed with following the instructions on the food bag, determined to stop me from becoming chunky. She even uses a set of digital scales in order to weigh my food accurately down to the last pellet.

Here's the thing... 

I'm always starving. I'm regularly having to mooch around the garden in search of a nibble or two. Now that she's removed the strawberry and raspberry plants, I'm left only with leaves and plant stalks for snacks. I supplement my diet with dog treats but there are only so many times a day I can misbehave and get recalled for a reward. The law of diminishing returns definitely applies to that scam. 

So I hatched a plan.

As my coat has no secret pockets (that I've found so far), I decided to eat something heavy so I could put on some artificial weight. Fortunately, the garden has lots of options.

I tried gnawing at the slabs but they were too thick. My teeth couldn't grind them down. I tried munching at the chuckies but they didn't taste nice. I could have swallowed them whole but then remembered my other end has a smaller opening than the top and I didn't fancy an operation to remove them. The scar would spoil my cute looks.

That left only one option: to go for one of the big slates around the water feature and keep it in my mouth during the weigh-in. 

As soon as I heard her heading to the bathroom, I nipped outside and grabbed the heaviest one that could fit in my mouth.

She had no clue about my scheme and I wasn't about to tell her. I was keeping my mouth firmly shut. She got quite a surprise when she weighed me: I now qualified for an extra 5g per day.  

Measuring this out, she was about to pour it into my bowl when I blew it. I only went and dropped the rock on the kitchen floor. I couldn't help it. I was so hungry and the food was right there. The increase was rapidly returned to the bag.

Now I'm going to have to think of another way of putting on the stones. I was thinking... patience?

Nah.

I need more bling. From now on, I want my stones to have carats in them.