Weighty Matters

Every week, the woman brings the bathroom scales down to the kitchen. She then stands on them twice, one time carrying me, the other on her own. This confused me at first. Surely it was cheating to include me in her weight loss. 

Then I noticed her writing my name and a number on the calendar and realised she was doing it to calculate how heavy I was (currently 5.4kg).

She needed to know this because my weight affects the amount of food I'm allowed. She's obsessed with following the instructions on the food bag, determined to stop me from becoming chunky. She even uses a set of digital scales in order to weigh my food accurately down to the last pellet.

Here's the thing... 

I'm always starving. I'm regularly having to mooch around the garden in search of a nibble or two. Now that she's removed the strawberry and raspberry plants, I'm left only with leaves and plant stalks for snacks. I supplement my diet with dog treats but there are only so many times a day I can misbehave and get recalled for a reward. The law of diminishing returns definitely applies to that scam. 

So I hatched a plan.

As my coat has no secret pockets (that I've found so far), I decided to eat something heavy so I could put on some artificial weight. Fortunately, the garden has lots of options.

I tried gnawing at the slabs but they were too thick. My teeth couldn't grind them down. I tried munching at the chuckies but they didn't taste nice. I could have swallowed them whole but then remembered my other end has a smaller opening than the top and I didn't fancy an operation to remove them. The scar would spoil my cute looks.

That left only one option: to go for one of the big slates around the water feature and keep it in my mouth during the weigh-in. 

As soon as I heard her heading to the bathroom, I nipped outside and grabbed the heaviest one that could fit in my mouth.

She had no clue about my scheme and I wasn't about to tell her. I was keeping my mouth firmly shut. She got quite a surprise when she weighed me: I now qualified for an extra 5g per day.  

Measuring this out, she was about to pour it into my bowl when I blew it. I only went and dropped the rock on the kitchen floor. I couldn't help it. I was so hungry and the food was right there. The increase was rapidly returned to the bag.

Now I'm going to have to think of another way of putting on the stones. I was thinking... patience?

Nah.

I need more bling. From now on, I want my stones to have carats in them. 

Running Free

 I had a great time tonight at the run-free dog field in Inchinnan. 

Zoomies and ball fetching and running around until the sunset 

Unfortunately, Blogger won't let me show all the videos because the file sizes are too large so you'll have to make do with this edited one.

Chewing the Bark

The one-eyed dog barking at me wasn't my first experience of dog's abuse. I hear it regularly from the local dogs in a neighbouring estate too. Their language is often crude (it is Paisley, after all) but I don't join in because I'm a lady. 

That's not the only reason. The truth is... I still haven't learned to bark. 

At night, when I feel the urge to go, I whine, I cry and I occasionally whimper because I don't like to leak where I sleep. One of the humans (usually the woman) comes down and takes me outside so I can relieve myself in the garden. It can take a while for them to respond though. Sometimes I think they think I'm just looking for attention (secret: sometimes I am). 

I bet they wouldn't wait as long if I could bark.

Listening to the locals gave me a few tips. I tried running around excitedly to provoke my bark but that didn't work. With my big paws and bouncy gait, I looked and sounded more like a floppy-eared lamb bleating as I gamboled about.   

I tried eating the bark from under the plants in the garden. I figured there had to be something in the name. Unfortunately, it only gave me a rough throat. No ruff.   

I tried Amazon but when I looked up 'dog bark' it revealed only collars and devices designed to deter barking, the opposite of the effect I wished to achieve. I had to delete the browser history pronto in case it gave the humans ideas.   

Then it happened.

I was misbehaving in the living room, jumping up on the furniture then making for the cables under the table with the router. This was my goto place now they'd block the path behind the telly stand. The man wasn't happy with me. He leaped up and scolded me whenever I went near his beloved internet box. The woman reminded him it was better to reinforce positive behaviour but he's an idiot. He acts before he thinks. I still love him though because he's always carrying treats for me. Sometimes I misbehave just so he recalls me and gives me another edible reward. Anyway, this time he left the room and returned carrying a medium-sized box with a smile on its side. It blocked the entire gap under the table. I couldn't get to my beloved cables. This made me unhappy. More than that, I was incensed.

I didn't like the way this block of a box was grinning at me. How dare it spoil my game? I hunkered down and growled. Challenging it to a fight, my angry growl transformed into a woof.

I'd done it. 

The humans hurriedly shooed me away from the box. The man even turned it and the table around, wiping the smile from the box's face. Unfortunately, lost in that moment, I forgot exactly how I'd barked and I still can't remember.  

Still, I guess you could say Amazon delivered my bark after all.

One Small Step for Dogkind...

I'm not afraid to say I was nervous. I'd only ever been carried beyond the gate to the car so these were my first tentative steps into unknown territory... 

And I couldn't make it beyond the car's front bumper.

Although the man and woman were both with me, and she was securely tied to me with a lead, I still felt overwhelmed by the space and all the loud noises and didn't want to go any further. I parked myself on the driveway and resisted any pull to move me forward. Even if I was double jabbed to protect me from all manner of canine maladies, I wasn't ready for the outside world...   

That is until a friendly man appeared at the end of the driveway and opened his arms to greet me. Then I forgot about how scared I was and ran over to him. I was beyond the car before I'd realised what I'd done. It was worth it because he tickled my tummy and let me lick his arms. After that, I managed to walk around the entire cul de sac. I felt so proud of myself. There were loads of smells to take in and this was only the beginning. I had a whole street to investigate.

I was so good the humans invited me out again later. 

This time they carried me to the end of the driveway to bypass my nerves. We managed halfway down the street before an ill-tempered, black and white dog barked at me from behind his gate. When he wasn't barking, he stared intensely at me with his one good eye. I didn't reckon his old bones could jump the gate but his gruff outbursts still gave me a fright. I sat down again and trembled. I'd had enough exploring for one day and wanted home.   

The humans weren't having it. We stood at an impasse, me pulling one way, them standing like immovable rocks. Nothing I could do would budge them. (as I weigh less than 5 kg, the humans have an unfair weight advantage over me).  

Then a woman appeared from a newly parked car. She waved and hurried over, excited to meet me. All her delight sent my tail into a spin propelling me up at her. Unfortunately, I got over-excited and leaked over her jeans. Only a little. Most of the spray landed on the pavement. 

She was lovely about it. Told me she didn't mind. The trousers were an old pair. Phew! 

She then insisted we go back to hers so her daughter could meet me too. The grumpy dog had vanished so I had no problem crossing the street. I got tickles and cuddles from the woman's daughter on their lawn. Everyone was so enamoured by my cute looks.  I heard them say, "She's gorgeous, she's adorable, she's lovely" so many times, I thought I'd need a new name tag to include all those adjectives. There wouldn't be room for all those letters though. I'd need to shorten it to GAL. 

I'm a popular GAL.

Mixed Messaging

As I'm getting older (I'll be twelve weeks tomorrow), I'm discovering a world of confusion. Take, for example, the living room. It has furniture in it that the humans sit on. Now that I'm big and strong enough to leap onto it, they keep telling me to get down. I thought the whole purpose of furniture was to sit on. Why is it one rule for them and another for me?

And why is it I can't play with the throw cushions on the furniture? To me they look like giant toys, soft and chewy and perfect to sink my teeth into. I mean, by definition, they've already been thrown so instinctively I have to retrieve them. You can't argue with genetics.  

I'm also having a problem with their command Down. The humans originally told me it meant to drop onto my belly and now they're telling me it also means to return to floor level. Well, make your minds up. You can't expect me to act when the instructions are unclear. Using the word Off as a replacement isn't any better. It might work for Alexa but I'm a puppy, not a machine. I'm not able to shut down. 

The last thing that's confusing me is: if I'm being so naughty, why is the man insisting I pose for pictures? I think he's secretly proud of me.

My Kitchen Buddy

 

It's not that I miss living with my brothers but sometimes it's nice to have a cuddle when the humans are not around. 

I can rest my head when I'm tired and not get my ear chewed off.

And when I'm feeling playful, I can chew his ear off...

Or have a nibble at his collar,

But we always remain close buddies.

Gardening

After yesterday's downpour, it's good to be back outside again. 

I like to help with the gardening

But it's thirsty work

So I prefer to slope off and hide.

Double Jabbed

 

As of today, I'm now officially double-jabbed so soon I won't have to socially distance myself from the neighbouring dogs and can venture out into the world. Isn't that exciting! 

The vet gave me a clean bill of health. I let the master pay, of course. He doesn't let me carry his credit cards anymore after I chewed the last one. I told him he shouldn't have left it unattended so close to the edge of the table. What if a crook had taken it? Really, I saved him from a world of bother. At least, he got it back and knew it hadn't been used for any fraudulent activity. 

I'm pleased he's not mad at me. He even celebrated my big day by presenting me with some new bling for my collar. The first one he bought was a gauche pink affair made of plastic. It was too large and had my name printed on it. Oh, the abomination! Not good enough at all. This one is ruby gold, shaped like a bone and has my name engraved into the metal. Far more befitting a lady of my status. I keep forgetting it's not a toy though so apologies for the bite marks. 

This Is Me

Don't I just melt your heart? 

This is me, the daughter of a Labradoodle mum and a Cockapoo dad. You'll notice from my tufty beard and wiry coat, I take my good looks from my mother. I think I inherited her Labrador stomach too because mine always feels empty.

I was born on Wednesday, April 21st, 2021, a birthday I share with my ten siblings. I hope they're all doing well. I don't see them now, having moved twice; firstly to a bedsit with two of my brothers, then to a house in Paisley with my new forever friends. I guess that makes me upwardly mobile. It's never too early, even at ten weeks, to get on the property ladder. This time, I've got my own private cage, the run of the ground floor, a lovely garden and a box filled with brand new toys that I don't have to share with anyone. There's even specially fitted matting on the floor that's highly absorbent so I can take a leak literally anywhere (though they prefer I go outside).  

I got called Millie because the mistress likes that name and the master loves the cookies. I like the name too and come running whenever they call it (particularly as they're giving me loads of reward treats during my basic training). 

I can't wait to tell you all about my life. Everything is all so new and exciting. For example, do you know my new owners have an edible garden? Even they didn't realise it. I'm loving my new plant-based diet and all the chasing around the garden afterwards. They keep saying "Leave" but I knew what they were the first time they told me. 

I'm a clever cookie.